SOME ASPECTS OF GETTING OLDER

 

Chances are you’ll need your glasses, to read the following:

 

In a hostage situation, you’re likely to be released first.

It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

Neighbors borrow YOUR tools.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

When you talk about “Good Grass,” you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You consider coffee or hot chocolate one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get cable for the weather channel.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You send money to PBS.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You think for a moment before you buy a bunch of green bananas.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead

You’re very proud of your lawnmower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells if finally down to a manageable size.

Your venerable friends give you this list.

 

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